6 Things to Tell Your Daughters Around Valentine’s Day (and Throughout the Year)
Revisiting this story made me want to give my daughters flowers on Valentine’s Day! It also made me want to share some of what I learned.
It’s never too early or too late to encourage your girls to be more mindful and think critically about the world around them and the messages they’re receiving.
So here’s what I want to tell my daughters:
Your worth is not defined by your relationship status. Being single does not mean you are unworthy of love. You are enough. If you’re not in a relationship, choose to see that as a time to continue focusing on yourself and loving yourself. Similarly, being in a relationship doesn’t mean you are more lovable, or worthy, than the next person. Everyone has worth, regardless of their relationship status.You are beautiful, inside and out.
If you don’t have a boyfriend or partner, or no one “likes” you, you may think that means you’re unattractive – you’re not. (Side note – I used to think that we shouldn’t comment on our daughters’ looks at all – but I’ve come around. In my opinion, if your daughter’s looks don’t come close to traditional western beauty standards or she doesn’t see women that look like her represented in the media, she NEEDS to hear it. Because when the media idealizes something she’s not and excludes anyone that looks like her, she gets the subconscious message that she doesn’t look good or pretty. We need to counteract that.) Ok – back to what I’ll tell my daughters…
Focus on the good in your life. Reflect on the things you’re grateful for, the qualities about yourself and your life that you appreciate, and remember that you are already blessed. Valentine’s Day may make you feel like you can only be happy if you’re in a relationship and receive lavish gifts. Don’t fall for it.
Don’t be afraid of flying solo. It can be hard to do things on your own, but it’s also one of the best ways to help ensure you’ll never be stopped from doing something you want to, just because you don’t have a partner. So try something new even though your friends aren’t into it. Spend some time alone with your thoughts and be ok with that. Building this muscle will also make it easier to walk away from unhealthy relationships, if it comes to that.
Romantic comedies, or rom coms, are fun…and fiction. And only a part of the story. Real love stories have ups and downs, but if you’re lucky, they also have a lot of stability and trust…stuff that rarely makes it into the movies. And real-life conversations never flow like they do onscreen. Stuttering and repeating yourself and not finding the right words until minutes later? Totally normal.
You get to decide how (or whether) to celebrate Valentine’s Day. While Valentine’s Day has muddled origins, it’s commonly held that its aura of heterosexual coupling started in Roman times. Young men would draw the names of women from a jar, then pair up with them for the duration of the feast of Lupercalia, which ran from Feb. 13-15. Today, it’s become a day to celebrate romantic love. But if you want to make it a day to spend time with your family, do it. If you want to celebrate your friends, do it! Find what works for you and own it.
I’ve told my girls these things, and
I’ll continue to sing these refrains until they can sing it to themselves.
With luck and a prayer, they’ll carry these truths as they navigate life — and through crushes, relationships, and heartache, they’ll always remember that they are enough and they are beautiful, no matter who they are (or aren’t) linked to.
